i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
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