We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
And he showed us your test. You wrote what is this shit and scribbled on it? Nice 3%..
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
Randomize
