And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
Randomize
