Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
If I just skip sleeping, does hangover still happen? Gonna try it. Will report back. StTAND BY
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
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