Ikea night.
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Insert tab A into swedish slot B
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
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