my soul wont recognize me after tonight
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
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