She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
Randomize
