i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
Randomize
