last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
And for your info. Don't pee outside with glow sticks. People will still see you.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
