she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
