you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
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