my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
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