I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
Randomize
