I think my fart just growled at me.
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
You should frame my arrest warrant.
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
Randomize
