I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
spell your last name, im trying to find you on facebook
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
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