just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Randomize
