Btw the nut in my hair goes great with my outfit !!! :(
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
Randomize
