Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
Randomize
