Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Randomize
