He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
The police scanner is talking about you again....
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
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