I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
I intend to get homeless drunk
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
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His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
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He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
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