paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
I broke down outside of an all boys correctional facility
well if that's not a gay porn waiting to happen, i dont know what is...
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
