I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
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