Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
Move ovrr Titanoc and all you others. Heres the real tale of woe. This ladys failed search for boozdy goodnezs.
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Randomize
