There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
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Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
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Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
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