One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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