My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
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