update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
Randomize
