Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
