So im pretty sure the object of my emotional onterest is tired of playing with me....
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
Randomize
