as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
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