yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
Randomize
