My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
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