wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
Thats alot of pressure.
Just on your vagina. BTW I'm passing your house.
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
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