that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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