I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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