We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
We need to tone down the drinking before our 7pm class. I don't remember receiving any of these handouts.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
