happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
Randomize
