we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
Just bought the plane tickets. Light headed. Blood rush to clit oh god blue clit. Mayday mayday vagina down!
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Randomize
