whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
you have to choose: penises or morals?
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
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Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
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I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.