Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
the only thing i can think of after seeing avatar is "when are they gonna make avatar porn?"
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.