Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
These 25 People Had Very Inappropriate Sexual Relations(hips)
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
These 31 People Are Lazier Than You Could Ever Imagine
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.