i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
Randomize
