I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
Randomize
