How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
