Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
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