8:17pm: So, How was fun day?
1:15am: So I just woke up in my bed in my bathing suit... I don't remember getting into bed or dinner or anything after slip n slide that happened around five... I'd say fun day was a success
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
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Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
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