Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
I want to be your penis for a week.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
