I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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