do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
We left the knife in your bed.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
Randomize
