its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Randomize
