He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
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