In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
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