R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
Yes, one should always join a cult. At least once.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
