I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
I was up until 12:30 making that damned grammar test for my freshmen then I caught myself running through the verb tenses when I was giving him head.
"I have sucked, I will suck, I will have suck, I am sucking..." I've never felt more like a nerdier slut than last night.
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
He stopped mid sex to say he was sorry that he couldn't make us work.continued. Stopped again to ask if it was crazy that he loved me.
That is not what no strings attached sex is about.
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