I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
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